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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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The Price You Pay For Being Good
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
The Bear and Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, andthe frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could! | | But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not. | | haha... good one guys | George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”
A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”
“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.
“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…” | | George W. Bush lol =D say no more... tooo funny =DDD | | [Post deleted by moderator Erebes // Unappropriate content for kids .] | | [Post deleted by moderator Sven91 // little kids play this game too...] | THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
# Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
# Damn! There go the lights again...
# What's this doing here?
# That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
# Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
# Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?
# What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
# OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
# This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
# Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
# Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance? | Here is a sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:
ATTENTION GOLFERS
1. Keep Your Back Straight, Knees Bent & Feet Shoulder-Width Apart.
2. Form a Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down.
4. Avoid a Quick Backswing.
5. Stay Out of the Water.
6. Try Not to Hit Anyone.
7. If You are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly in Front of Others.
9. Quiet Please... While Others are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL & GO PLAY GOLF. | | Nice. I complelety laughed at that one. | Bowling Team Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Drivers Licence A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you." | | a man walk`s in a bar and sais " my friend let me tell you a joke for german men ..." , " no you better not - these 3 men are german " , you are right i don`t want to tell this joke 3 times " | I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. | Once a man loved walking...
'Walking' didn't love him back!
:) | | nice | A minister was married and it was his wife's birthday.
He goes into an antiques shop to buy her something nice.
In the middle of many stuff he sees something and says to the shopkeeper:
-What is this idiotic portrait you keep in here?!
And the shopkeeper answers:
-With all do respect for you sir, that is a mirror! | | [Post deleted by moderator DragonFlayer // English Only Please...] | 3 travelers went to a forest,
when suddenly they were ambushed by barbarians.
they got captured and taken to face the barbarian chief.
the traveler begged to the chief to release them.
the chief kindly tell them to find 10 fruits in the forest.
the fruits must be the same, so for example, 10 oranges, 10 pears, etc.
the travelers went to the forest, finding for fruits.
the first traveler came back, along with 10 apples.
the chief told the traveler to swallow the apples,
but they're not allowed to munch them,
so they have to eat as a whole fruit.
they're also not allowed to make noises, like speaking or crying.
if they can finish the task, they'll be released.
but if they can't, their head will be cut off.
the first apple is swallowed, second, third...
but when the forth, he screamed that he can't take it anymore
then his head was cut off because of screaming.
the second traveler came back too, along with 10 grapes.
he swallowed the first, second, third, forth,
fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth...
however, when he just want to swallow the last one,
he laughed at the third traveler loudly when the third traveler came back,
so his head was cut off because of laughing.
in the heaven, the first and the second traveler met each other:
A:"hey, looks like you've failed the task too, huh.."
B:"yeah... what did you take?"
A:"i took 10 apples, it just too hard... what about you?"
B:"i see... i took 10 grapes..."
A:"hey, grapes are small! how could you fail?"
B:"actually, i could swallow the last grape, but i couldn't help but laughing out loud, watching C came back with 10 watermelons..." | [Post deleted by moderator DragonFlayer // No foul languege...]
[Player banned by moderator DragonFlayer until 2010-05-23 22:56:34 // ] | Three people were having lunch at the top of the building during their break time. The first person opens his lunch box and says: "X food again! If I get another X food, I'm going to jump off this building and die."
The second person opens his lunch box and says: "Y food again! If I get another Y food, I'm going to jump off this building and die."
The third person opens his lunch box and says: "Z food again! If I get another Z food, I'm going to jump off this building and die."
The next day, all three of them went up to the top of the building again to eat their lunch. The first person opens his lunch box, sees that it is X food, then jumps off the building, and dies.
The second person opens his lunch box, sees that it is Y food, then jumps off the building, and dies.
The third person opens his lunch box, sees that it is Z food, then jumps off the building, and dies.
On the day of all three of their funeral, the mothers gathered around their three sons. The mother of the first person cried: "Why? If only I knew that he was so sick of X food, I wouldn't have made him X food again!"
The mother of the second person cried: "Why? If only I knew that he was so sick of Y food, I wouldn't have made him Y food again!"
There was a brief silence, then both mothers of the first two people looked at the third mother.
"What?", she exclaimed, "don't look at me! That fool makes his own lunch!"
-
Replace X, Y and Z with popular food you know. |
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