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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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Leave the typo. Who cares about it when the joke is so gr8!!!
Keep it up buddy. | | no more jokes guyz and gals??? | a few Bieber jokes...
-I called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me with his purse.
-Justin Biebers new song is “if i were a boy”.
-Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassadors of sanitary pads.
-What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
-I used to have a voice just like Justin Bieber, then I turned four.
-About 17 years ago, a woman was impregnated by a tank of helium, 9 months later Justin Bieber was born
-Justin Bieber crossed the road to beat a chicken but came back crying because the chicken won | The Balloonist
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am" replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"
"Well" said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." | It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." | for ChooJeremy:
Heeheehe! =DD | | [Post deleted by moderator Kiz // 1) One of the jokes may be racially offensive. 2) Please post only clean jokes in the public forums.] | lol
really nice
but r these aloud ? | but r these aloud ?
r these allowed? | | I bet they arent allowed hence I copied them quickly :) They are funny | | hey choo if u have more jockes like this plz send me | Here's how I look for jokes.
Step 1: Google search for "jokes", "<add adjective here> jokes"
Step 2: Choose a google result that has jokes in it.
Step 3: Read the jokes and filter out all the non-funny ones.
Step 4: Post any funny ones on a notepad
Step 5: After searching, go to the notepad, press control+A, then press control+C
Step 6: Go to this thread and press control+v while the typing cursor is in the replying box.
Step 7: Control+enter. | | for ChooJeremy: :) | Ok, my friend just told me this joke and I figured I should post it here as well.
Once there were 2 friends, named John and Mary. Both of them went to the same school, and walk back home by the same route. Along the route there is a mango tree.
One day, John told Mary, Hey, let's climb up the mango tree. I'll climb up first and take 5 mangoes, and you take 3 while I take 2. Then, you climb up the three and take 5 mangoes, and you take 3 again while I take 2.
Mary thought, "Hey, John is so stupid, both of us climbed up and we take the same amount, but I get more mangoes back." So Mary agreed, and John climbed up, took 5 mangoes, then Mary climbed up and took 5.
When Mary reached home dragging 6 mangoes, she told her mother "Hey, John is so stupid, we both climbed up the mango tree and picked 5 each, but I got 6 and he got 4!"
However, her mother told her, "You then stupid lah! John asked you to climb up is so that he can look at your underwear!"
The next day, Mary once again came home dragging 6 mangoes behind her. Her mother saw this and scolded her, "Why are you so stupid? You know John ask you to climb up the tree is to look at your underwear?"
However, Mary told her mother triumphantly, "No, this time I'm smarter! I know John wants to look at my underwear, so before I began climbing the mango tree, I took off my underwear!" | SHIPWRECKED:
A man found himself washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. There were only a sheep and a sheepdog washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hilary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hilary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hilary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hilary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Potatoes:
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
Irishman walks into a bar (bet you've heard that before):
Paddy (an Irishman, in case you hadn't guessed) walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman says to him, "You know, a pint of Guinness goes flat after I pour it. It would taste better if you bought them one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well, you see, Oi have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and Oi'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink t'is way to remember t'e days we all drank together."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Paddy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking sips from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......Oi've given up the drink!"
Aircraft Gripe Sheets:
After every fl | Aircraft Gripe Sheets:
After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form commonly called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need to be repaired or corrected. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then fill in on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. Then the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by their maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. | | for mys_tik_cal: ha ha | I went to the museum with my friends.
at the museum, I decided to play a fool and hugged a Mannequin.
I only realized it wasn't a Mannequin when a security guard started to chase me out of the museum! | | for ChooJeremy: Wnat more jokes ;) | A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" |
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