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| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
An American and a Chinese walk on a road full of American flags on the right and on the left.
Chinese: "When I see all these flags, a patriotic feeling comes through me"
American: "How is this? All these flags are American!"
Chinese: "Really? Take a closer look on their label!" | | He he, cool! | one day at school a boy gone to the urinal while he was doin his buisness(U know what) he read something that someone had written and it said
" Our forefathers fought for freedom and therefore you have freedom today
only you can take care of the freedom for it is in your hands"
get it?
[Player banned by moderator STBs until 2012-09-13 04:28:28 // Warning/ Nice story but you may not post with your additional char. Forum rule 1.7.] | A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"you gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?" | 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!! | 3 Easy Ways to Die :
Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.
Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.
Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.
1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells
her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE..
4... Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
6.. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
8.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake. | -What is a definition of a good farmer?
-A man outstanding in his field!
-What's brown and sticky?
-A stick.
-Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
-Because she ran away from the ball!
-What do you call a deer with no eye?
-No idear!
-What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
-Bye-son!
--Don't remember if the next joke was already posted or not--
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you… | for TBI:
All good ones, thanks :) | for TBI:
All good ones, thanks :)
agreed | Glad you liked them.
Hope these haven't been posted yet:
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A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."
"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
-------------------------
A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit. The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk. "Nonsense," says the game warden. "It's true, it's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me". "I've got to see this; show me." says the game warden. So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you." "Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"
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A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.
This went on every day for the nest month. Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.
A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, "Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won't tell. I'm just curious. What was it?"
The other man said, "Bicycles."
---------------------------
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
----------------------------
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Jo
[Player banned by moderator BrownBear until 2012-10-03 10:49:14 // 4.2.1. Using long strings in thread (...) message is forbidden.] | In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
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Who is the roundest knight at king arthurs table?
Sir Cumfrence
[Player banned by moderator BrownBear until 2012-10-03 11:20:58 // 4.2.1. Using long strings - only up to 3 same letters/symbols in one string allowed.] | good ones TBI!
[Player banned by moderator ElfPride until 2012-10-03 15:20:53 // FR#1.7//Add. characters aren't allowed to post in main forums] | Just saw i posted with my multi XD
Anyways,
An eight year old boy was looking very sad one morning. His father did not wanted to bother him.
After he came back from school, he was so happy that he felt like it was the best day of his life!
Father, too conscious, asked: What was the matter?
Son: I had a little problem at school yesterday, but i solved it.-OH! and here's your gun back | -What do you call a deer with no eye?
-No idear!
-What do you call a deer with no eyes AND no legs?
-STILL No idear!! | once upon a time a bunch of devout asetics were going on a piligrimage on mount kailash
their guide told em that during th trek they might see distacting sights but they just say "hari om(this is kinda salutation to god)" and move on
one of the asetics asked what kind of alluring sights?
the guide replied -- naked nymphs
the rest of the ascetics listened eagerly
they started climbing
around half way one of the ascetics full of devotion shouted "HARI OM!"
the rest of the ascetics resonated "WHERE?!@!!" | Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that can read anything. It has been trained for 10 years for this. It's one of a kind"
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!" | | [Post deleted by moderator Schwarzenegger // Forum Rule 2.2] | | for TBI: omg that joke was epic :):):) | no more jokes?
[Player banned by moderator ElfPride until 2012-10-20 07:05:30 // FR#1.7//Add. characters aren't allowed to post in main forums] | A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
[Player banned by moderator Queen_Amanda until 2012-10-21 14:50:27 // vulgar language] |
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