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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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one morning a man told his wife that hes going to his new job that only allows married men to apply.
that afternoon that mans wife phoned the company for complaint.she asked the boss "Why do you only allow married men!is it because womens are stupid fragile worthless and weak?!!
no m'am its because they are used to being pushed around,know when to keep their mouthes shut,obey every command i tell them,and doesnt pout when i yell at them! | Well, the joke given was first published in Russian and now I just translated it into English. The joke is mostly for young adults (I know there are some in the game), but it may be good comprehensed by everybody as well as it's written in the form of a fairy tail.
So,
A Rabbit sat under a high tree with some sheets of paper in his hands writing something there with a very businesslike air. Then suddenly a Wolf came up.
- Hi, Rabbit! - he said. - What are you doing here?
- I'm working at my scientific dissertation, - was the reply.
- Oh, I see. But how can you answer to me in such a way? I can see no fear in your eyes... Aren't you afraid of me..? Look, I can eat you, if I'd like to!
- Ah, you can not say so. Look here, Wolf, I can eat you now at once, and no bone would be left. By the way, I'm just working out the theme of this my scientific work. The theme is "Rabbits Always Eat Predators". Let me show you in practice how that happens.
- Ha-ha! Oh yes, why not?
So then the Rabbit the Wolf following after him went around the tree to its back side so that nobody in the forest could catch any sight of them. They hid themselves behind the tree.
In a few moments the Rabbit came back without any wolf and made himself comfortable near the front of the tree again with his work in his hands.
Then a Fox came up to him. There happenned the same dialogue between them and the same action... No fox appeared from the back side of the tree.
And then, finally, there appeared a Bear...
The same situation repeated one more time and the only thing which was heard was the awful crack of the Bear's bones behind the tree.
And the Rabbit happily returned to his work thrice.
And now we can see the back side of the tree. There is sitting a smiling Leo, who cracks the Bear's bones.
- Well, the Bear was the most difficult part in this work, - he says to himself.
So the result is: it isn't always important what the theme of Your scientific work is. The most important thing is who is Your scientific adviser under whom You're working. | | Fairy *tale, sorry) | Here is a really funny one:
Once there were 3 soldiers running from the enemy and trying to hide. The first man climbed up a tree. When the soldiers' dogs came barking around it, they said "Good dogs! You've found him?" The man in the tree said: "Tweet-tweet." The soldiers say "Bad dogs, it's just a bird." The second man climbs up a tree, and when *repeat*, the man in the tree says "Meow, meow." *Repeat* The third man climbs up a tree and when *repeat*, he goes..."Moo! Moo!" XD | | One more thing: In 42, what is a "smiling Leo?" | leonardo dicabrio smiling:)
muhahahahahhaha
what is a "smiling Leo?" | oh ok. The joke goes on with this:
The three men are rounded up and taken to be executed as P.O.W.'s by a firing squad. The first man is put out there. The captian yells "Ready! Aim!..." The first man suddenly shouts: "Tornado! Tornado!" The soldiers all run and hide, and the first man gets away. Same thing with 2nd man but he says earthquake. Same thing with third man, only he says..."Fire!" (The captain says: "Ready! Aim!..." ... ... .. .. ... "Fire!" XD | There was once a person in the army who was very bad at shooting. Whatever he shot at, he simply missed. One day, his instructor got so mad at him that he told him "Why don't you just go to the back of the barracks and shoot yourself?"
The person immediately walked to the back of the barracks, and a few seconds later there was the sound of a gunshot.
"Shit!", the instructor thought, "I never thought he was going to really do it."
All of a sudden that person walks out from the back of the barracks, and told the surprised instructor, "Sir! I missed!" | Here are some more:
Prison Escape
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him It was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
Sick Dad
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'
Who's This Guy?
after a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
At The End Of The Cave
Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.
"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The first man runs away.
They hear the voice again.
"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"
The second man runs away.
The voice comes once more.
"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The last man bravely walks on.
And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.
Spit Ball
Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now one hour early
Student: Accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher
Teacher: who shot that spit ball
Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.
The Next Cubicle
A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"
He heard the voice again.
"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise a.ss in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!
Where Is God?
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with hi | Double post due to the last joke being cut off:
Where Is God?
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it! | GOOD JOKE by #50
One day A was talking to someone by phone very softly
So B asked y r u talking so softly who is it?
A said its wife
B asked then y to talk so softly with wife
A answered Wife is urs | One day A was talking to someone by phone very softly
So B asked y r u talking so softly who is it?
A said its wife
B asked then y to talk so softly with wife
A answered Wife is urs
In better form:
One day A man was talking to someone on the phone very softly
B: Why are you talking so softly, who is it?
Man: Wife
B:Why talking so softly with wife?
Man: She is your wife. | | thnx | | The next cubicle(from choojeremy) is very funny.. XD | Titanic was sinking.
Jack: How much the earth is far from here?
Rosemary: 1 kilo meter.
Jack jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"
Rosemary: Downwards !
________________________________________________________________________
Santa: I am so miser that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.
Bania: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.
___________________________________________________________________________
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done." | How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
------> Scroll down
<------Scroll up | An advertisment placed in the newspaper showed a bar graph comparing computers.
The height of the bars was based on price over performance:
- -Price
-------------
Performance
And the computer which had the highest bar belonged to the company which posted the ad, of course.
Think for a moment on why this is funny. You got to feel sorry for those who fell for it!
---
If you didn't get it, here's why:
To make the bars higher (so that their computer is shown to be better then others), you have to make the fraction value higher. To make the value to a fraction higher, there are 2 ways:
1) Increase the numerator (the one at the top.) i.e., 8/3 > 5/3
2) Decrease the denominator (the one at the bottom.) i.e., 5/2 > 5/5
So, to increase the value of the bars, they could:
1) Increase the price, the numerator, by a MASSIVE amount.
2) Decrease the performance rate, the denominator, by an amount.
Or you could do both... | #57
choojeremy i still didnt get it | | ohkay i get a little bit of it | | I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift. Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that, I asked?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket"! |
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