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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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(Have you ever wondered how you grandchild was just born at 3:57 p.m. your time but the child's birthday is tomorrow? you will find out now)
Stationd in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the wonderful news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
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Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray... 'Take only ONE. God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' | A college student who had run out of dating funds wrote his father a: No money. Not funny.
Love, Sonny. His father wrote back:
So sad. Too bad.
Love, Dad.
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The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attemptin to fit bold A into slot b, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. "It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
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"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement." "Roger," the pilot responded,"but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up her?" "Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when ith its a 747?"
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The pastor of my church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, he had no choice. "There's good news and there's bad news," he told the congregation. "The good news is that we have more than enough money for all the current and future needs of the parish. The bad news is, it's still in your pockets."
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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a rase right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "See what I mean?" the coach said, scratching his head,"He could have phoned!"
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According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill you plate with bright colors: Greens,Reds, Yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
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Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far to insinuate that he was henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his friends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?" "I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them." | A student phoned his school,
he was pretending to be his father,
so he can escape from school.
Student: "My son can't go to school due to illness."
Teacher: "Who's speaking?"
Student: "This is my father speaking."
Teacher: "??????????" | I'd try to be active in this topic now... So...
Here my contribution goes!
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” | A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here! | | for speed_dragon: ha ha, both were good...ha ha | | i really like the 2nd joke. it made me crack up speed_dragon. the 1st made me laugh | (if my jokes are missing t's in a word dont think anyhing funny because my t isn't working on my keyboard that well)
It is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.
Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anyhing at all about okra. Except possible, "Are hos legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"
Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegearian architect.
A pod of okra on a gold chian makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that it's an Elk's tooh -- with plaque.
Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly okra. Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing litle green oysters.
Consuming fried okra north of he Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."
You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes geat bio-degradable tent stakes.
Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.
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Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared tha oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he old my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough." "Well," she asked, " how long did you cook it?" "You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
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My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall. "Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found." I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
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(A true story)
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers Universiy. (not really) The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry, or grocery-shopping. I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young did the same to his carton ... then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
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When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overhead some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know wha we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to all it quits!"
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The start of a new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway." An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. | (if my jokes are missing t's in a word dont think anyhing funny because my t isn't working on my keyboard that well)
It is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.
Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anyhing at all about okra. Except possible, "Are hos legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"
Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegearian architect.
A pod of okra on a gold chian makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that it's an Elk's tooh -- with plaque.
Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly okra. Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing litle green oysters.
Consuming fried okra north of he Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."
You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes geat bio-degradable tent stakes.
Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.
______________________________________________________________________________
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared tha oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he old my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough." "Well," she asked, " how long did you cook it?" "You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
______________________________________________________________________________
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall. "Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found." I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
______________________________________________________________________________
(A true story)
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers Universiy. (not really) The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry, or grocery-shopping. I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young did the same to his carton ... then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
______________________________________________________________________________
When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overhead some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know wha we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to all it quits!"
______________________________________________________________________________
The start of a new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway." An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. | | oops srry bout the repeat of jokes. i had forgotten to copy what i typed. :( | | Drunk, drugged and depressed!
After asking a couple of insurance companies for car accidents, I discovered some percentages for car accidents. There are many causes for car accidents. The following are the percentages for each of the major causes.
Drinking alcohol - 30%
Eating Drugs - 12%
Talking on the phone - 65%
Fell asleep while driving - 27%
Suicide - 24%
The car wasn't working properly - 53%
If every car accident was due to one of these causes, then the total percentage, when added up, should be 100%. But the total percentage, in this case, is 211%! That means that the accidents can be a factor of more than one of these causes! A typical accident in this country could well look like this:
The driver first takes some alcohol, then eats some drugs, gets into a mechanically unsafe vehicle, talks to a friend on the phone, gets a suicidal instinct, drives towards a building, falling asleep just before impact! | "When the creator was creating this game, he thought of making a new skill. The skill was called nag, and the sound effect would be his mother nagging. The effect would be to kill all of the enemies instantly. This skill was later removed due to imbalance during the testing phrase"
- From one of kingdom elemental loading game tips.
Note: kingdom elemental is a computer game, like HOMM, not an online game. | Here's one
An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool." | another
An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool." | another
Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.
Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.
Q: Why is the number six afraid?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt) | Another
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Here is a joke about the first three years of marriage.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Here's another joke about marriage.
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Now let's listen to a couple of riddles about marriage.
Here's the first one.
Q: Why are men with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
A: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.
Here's another riddle.
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. | Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth. | Here is a good one:-
Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse." | Here are few more:-
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
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Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket. |
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