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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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@ mys_tik_cal
Thank you, kind sir, for a most delightful read! :D | | nope:( | | Sorry about the last post.. Wrote in the wrong place.. Wanted to type in chat and typed here mistakenly and pressed enter.. | | \ | | Jokes anyone??? Too bores... | here's one. tomorrrow i will paste more jokes.
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. When she is up there she notices that there are clocks on the wall. Well, she asks St. Peter what they are for. St Peter "Well these count how many lies someone said during their life."
"This on is Abe Lincon's clock. It has moved only twice. This is St. Mary's. It has never moved."
H Clinton asks "Where is my husband's clock?"
St. Peter "His is in his office being used as a ceiling fan"
(The joke is saying that Bill Clinton lies pretty much all the time. Just wanted to explain it for people who didnt get it.)
More tom. | One day while shopping, my chatter bug daughter who was three at the time introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out. She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said to the lady, "This is my mom. Her name is Mom."
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Since I am a busy mom of four, I rely on my children to help me out with everyday chores around the house. One morning I was running around trying to get the children and myself ready, when I suddenly realized it was trash pickup day. So i handed a bag of garbage to my sleepy seven-year-old son and told him to toss it in the trash bin on his way out the door.
Glancing out my window moments later, I saw him wearily boarding the bus. He was carrying his backpack, his lunchbox and a big white bag of garbage.
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A buyer was considering purchasing an agin thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed him examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"
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A visiting minister was assisting at our local church service. During the offertory prayer, the following happened: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust. . ." He would have continued, but at that moment one little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite loudly,"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
The service was pretty much over at that point!
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One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaso surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."
"What do you want to know?" I replied.
"When you're driving," she asked," are YOU ever the idiot?"
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Teacher: "why is your homework in your father's handwriting?"
Student: "Uh, I used his pen."
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The philosophy professor teaching a course my friend was takin warned the class he was going to give them a test. When the day came he entered the classroom, wordlessly placed his chair on the table and, turning to the blackboard, wrote, "Prove to me this chair does not exist."
Most of the nervous students began intently scribbling out long dissertations. But one member of the calss wrote down just two words, and then handed his paper to the teacher. The professor had to smile when he read the student's answer: "What chair?"
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Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her as a gift.
"Suppose we open a savings acount for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your acount, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she camt to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
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Hubby- You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife- When there is a problem, no matter how impo | Hubby- You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife- When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby- You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife- Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
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A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride."
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Some guys find a man lying on the sidewalk. They assume that the old guy is drunk, so the decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the sidewalk, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. He tells them where he lives and when they arrive at his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one of the guys says to the woman who asnwer, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Well, where in the world is his wheelchair?"
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This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So,, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with teh chainsaw. "How can i cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manage to cut five cords. The man convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, renives the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds," What's that noise? | | for hunt4food: nice ones :) | Teacher : A = B and B = C. so prove with example A = C
Student : Simple Sir... I love u. U love your Daughter.So,I love your Daughter... HENCE PROVED!!
Teacher : ?!?!?
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Girl : How much do u love me ??
Boy : like Shahjahan
Girl : Then when will u build Taj Mahal
Boy : Already purchased land...Now waiting for your death...
Girl : ?!?!?!? | | Argh! sorry for posting with multi...dont punish me...leave me this time alone... | At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"
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Walking up to a department store's favric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clirk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it our teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of the lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertisin in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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More later gotta go eat at a fish fry. Some Redneck church jokes. | This Radio Communication between the Galician Maritime Emergency Station and the U.S. Navy is real and was recorded off the Galician Coast of COSTA DE FISTERRA Oct. 16, 1997, and released for publication by the Spanish Military in march of 2005.
Galician:
(Background noise)
Here is A853 speaking to you,
please change course 15 degrees
to avoid collision.
You are heading directly towards us,
distance 25 nautical miles.
American:
(Background noise)
We advice you to change course
by 15 degrees north to avoid collision:
Galician:
Reply negative. We repeat. Change course 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
American:
(another voice). This is the CPT. of the Navy of the United States of America speaking to you. We insist that you change course 15 degree north immediately to avoid collision:
Galician:
We see this as neither doable nor necessary.
We recommend for you to change course to avoid collision.
American:
(in a excited commanding tone)
this is captain Richard James Howard, commander of the airplane carrier ”USS Lincoln",
the second largest warship of the north American fleet of the United States Navy:
we are accompanied by six armored cruisers;
six distroyers;
four submarines and several other support ships.
we are on course for the persian golf
to prepare military maneuvers for an offence against iraq:
i do not advise you…
..i order you!...
to change course
15 degrees due north!!!!!
should you refuse to comply we will take all necessary measures
to guarantee the safety of this airplane carrier
and this military force:
you are a member of allied state;
member of nato
and this force.
please obey forthwith and get out of our way !!!!!!
GALICIAN:
This is Manuel Salas Alcontara. speaking.
We are two people.
We are accompanied by one dog,
our food,
two beers
and one man from the Canary Islands,
who is sleeping at the present time.
We have the support
of Radio Cadena Dial la Coruna
and Kanal 106 of the Maritime Emergency.
We are stationed
at the lighthouse A-853 Finisterra on the Galician coast.
We don’t have the faintest clue
which place we occupy in Spanish lighthouse ranking.
And you may go ahead taking those steps you seem randy
to deem necessary guaranteeing the safety of your
shitty airplane carrier,
especially since you are about to smash into the Rocky Coast of Galicia
in a few minutes….
for this reason we persist and would like to put it to your heart one more time
that it be the best, the healthiest and wisest for you and your crew
to change course 15 degrees to avoid collision…….
End of communication | PS. This is not real... but funny ;)
I just copied and pasted from one site. | | that is a different version of a joke that i heard. British passenger ship and lighthouse | | :) | A buyer was considering purchasing an agin thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed him examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"
Hehe :D | Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." | Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
lol. Do you think the lawyer will get into heaven? (i doubt he will) | Redneck Church
1.People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2.The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
3.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. The choir is known as "OK Chorale."
6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
7. In teh congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)
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"Green Side Up"
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractore wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she ould like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But i have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street!"
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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farm replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
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Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
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On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who need a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didnt know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
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(Have you ever wondered how you grandchild was just born at 3:57 p.m. your time but the child's birthday is tomorrow? you will find out now)
Stationd in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the wonderful news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics |
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