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| Author | Jokes !!! |
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
at least she has good manners | A blonde is looking to sell her car as it has done over 250,000 miles and she wants something which will be more reliable. After a few weeks of not being able to sell it because of the high milage she asks a friend what to do.
The friend suggests she take it to her friend who works in a garage and he will wind the mileage back on the car for her so it will be easier to sell.
About a month later the friend sees the blonde in a parking lot and she still has the same car. She says to her "Oh, could you still not sell it even with a low mileage?"
The blonde replies, "Are you mad? Why would I want to sell it? It has only done 33,000 miles!" | A military Clan leader with his clan mates wanders into Yellow Lake and sees a lone LoS member standing guard over the mercenaries guild. He want to enter so send down his best fighter to take out the guard.
They both disappear behind the building where sounds of vicious fighting are heard. After around 10 minutes the LoS member comes out alone and resumes his guard duties!
The MC leader is maddened by this so sends a squad of 5 high levels to sort him out. They all disappear behind the building where there are sounds of an even more brutal battle. After around 30 minutes the enemies are all dead and the LoS Member returns to his guard post!
The MC leader can not believe it but undaunted he sends his 30 best remaining warriors to finish the job. Once again they all go behind the building and there are the sounds of a fierce battle which last through out the night and well into the following day. Eventually 1 lone survivor of the MC leaders clan emerges with the the LoS member walking behind him back to his guard post.
Eventually this member manages to limp back to his leader! Before dying he manages to say "Dont send any more warriors! it is a trap . . .
. . . there are two of them." | [Post deleted by moderator Queen_Amanda // rule 2.2]
[Player banned by moderator Queen_Amanda until 2010-05-29 05:16:05 // Rule 2.2 warning] | Sorry if you said either of them
what were you doing there in the first place? | If u throw a blonde n a brunette which one will land first?
Brunette
why?
why?
Because....the blonde stopped to ask directions | A man was walking along a corridor when he looked into a room and saw an old woman tying a rope around her arms.
He asked: "What are you trying to do?", in which she replied: "I'm trying to kill myself"
He was confused, and so asked: "but shouldn't you tie the rope around your neck instead?"
The old woman replied: "Oh, I tried that, but then I found that I couldn't breathe." | | 18 nice one i really like it | More:
A farmer on a tractor approached a driver whose car was stuck in a mudhole and kindly offered to pull him our for $10. The driver agreed.
"you know," said the farmer, "yours is the tenth car I've rescued today."
"Wow," the driver said incredulously. "When do you have time to work on your land? At night?"
"No," the farmer replied. "Night is when I fill the hole with water."
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In a survey: Eighteen percent of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. Seventeen percent offered to give more information to the survey taker - over dinner and a few drinks.
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On buisness in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to learn they will be executed. None of them can recall what they did to deserve it.
The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words. "I'm from Yale Divinity School," he said, "and I believe in the power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants the man alive, so they let him go.
The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School," he told them, "and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law must be on this man's side, so they let him go.
The last man says, "I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those loose wires down there."
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On hoilday in England, my husband and I went to the local inn for the house specialty, fish 'n' chips. In honour of a computer programmer convention the inn was hosting, the innkeeper re-wrote his menu to read: "Fish 'n' microchips,"
Not to be outdone, the travel agent next foor posted advertisments for 2 tours - one a trip to a honey farm, the other a trip to the coast. The ads described them as the "B Drive" and the "C Drive."
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As church treasurer, my father was preparing the budget and had opened two computer files he called "St Mary's income" and St Mary's expenditure." Later he had to copy them from a Macintosh to a PC, not aware that the PC automatically truncated file names to ten characters, eliminated spaces and replaced apostrophes with full stops.
Now income is no "StMary.sin" and expenses in "StMary.sex."
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I have heard my share of strange questions and silly comments from people who call the software company where I work as a tech support telephone operator.
But one day I realised how confusing it can be to callers when I heard myself say to one, "Yes, sir, you must first upgrade your download software in order to download our upgrade software."
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One of the workers on my construction crew didn't show up for work on Monday, and he didn't phone to explain his absence.
On Tuesday morning, though, he did call. "I won't be able to make it to work today," he said, "or yesterday." | Even more:
When I go to a local discount shop to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the checkout girl, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 5000 kilometres - whichever comes first."
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After living in our house for four years, we were moving. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbours came walking across the lawn carrying a plate of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful?" my husband said to me. "They must have realised we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbour stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighbourhood!"
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I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman opologised when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot."
"Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance company will take care of everything."
"Thank you for your understanding," she said, "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."
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One day my husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Soon after he went into the washing room, he shouted out, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back. | lol! i like that electric chair! nice one! ^^
i have another one too:
3 elite archers went on a tournament.
the tournaments was all about accuracy.
they had to bring something to shoot,
and whoever made the king and the audience pleased,
he could had their prize.
the first archer asked for a volunteer,
an elite guard offered himself as the volunteer.
the archer told the guard to stand still,
then he put a watermelon on the guards's head.
he walked backward for around 50m,
then he aimed for the watermelon.
he shot! and..... he hit the watermelon!!!
everyone cheered up for his skill,
then he shouted for himself,
"i'm a sharpshooter!!!"
the second archer saw that and he felt jealous,
then he asked the prince to be a volunteer.
he put an apple and walked backward for around 75m,
then he aimed for the apple.
he shot! and..... he hit the apple!!!
everyone cheered up greater for his unbelievable skill,
then he shouted for himself,
"i'm an eagle!!!"
the third archer saw that too and he felt even more jealous,
then he asked the king to be a volunteer!
he put a grape and walked backward for around 100m,
then he aimed for the grape.
he shot! and..... he hit!!!..... the king's head...
there was a brief silence for a minute,
then he spoke very softly,
"i'm..... sorry..." | | love 13-.. i really laughed my head off | Teacher: "you were absent yesterday, where were you?"
Student: "i was taking care of my brother, he was sick."
Teacher: "liar! i saw your brother playing with his friends!"
Student: "liar! i don't even have a brother!" | In toilet
Q: Why does a guy need to close the toilet door when they doing their 'business'?
A: Because he scared his bird fly away
Q: Then why does a female need to close the toilet door as well?
A: Because she scared the bird fly into toilet room if she doesn't close the door
xDDD | | lol, love the gold one | The allmighty rabbit:
There was an allmighty rabbit who didn't fear the fox.
So a piggy asked the rabbit if he was so mighty not to fear the fox:
Rabbit: "I doesn't fear the fox!"
Pig: "Oh you must be mighty, can i join you?"
R: "If u wish."
P: "Oh thanx, i heard fox might be around here. Don't u fear him?"
R: "Not at all"
P: "Omg. i smell the fox he must be near! Don't u fear him?
R: "I don't."
P: "Omg. there's the fox, now we will die! Don't u fear him yet?"
R: "I don't fear the fox since i allways bring some stupid piggy for him :)" | a cold-blooded cowboy went to a bar with his horse.
when he want to enter the bar, he tied his horse nearby the door.
after finished drinking, he came out and looked for his horse.
unfortunately, his horse was missing.
the cowboy was furious and shouted angrily:
"my horse is stolen! if no one give my horse back before dawn,
i'll do the same thing as i did in texas!!!"
the people were very terrified with his threat.
while waiting, he came back to the bar and continued drinking.
the next day, after stayed in the inn nearby, he came back to the same bar.
he found his horse tied nearby the bar door.
after he finished preparing for his next journey,
just when he wanted to go, a man asked:
"by the way, what did you do in texas?"
the cowboy just replied: "i went home on foot." | my favorite joke :)
its about 3 kind of nation but this game is international so i called them
kevin, david and peter
Three People strands on an island with cannibals
the chief of the cannibals said to the tree men: " go into the dschungel and came back with 2 fruits or we eat you."
so they run in the dschungel and search.
after 30 minutes kevin is come back with a grape and a strawberry
the chief said: " put both in your butt and when you laugh i kill you".
he tried to get the strawberry inside and begin to laugh -> dead
after 1 hour david came back with an apple and a pear
the cannibal chief said the same and david starts. the apple inside ....done
he tried to put the pear inside and begin to laugh -> dead
kevin and david meet in heaven. david ask kevin why did u laugh ?
kevin answer:" the strawberry are so tiny and tickle my butt so i must laugh.... and you ?"
david said : "the apple was no problem the pear will also be no problem but then i saw peter ... came back with a pineapple and a watermelon."
:D | ^^^
almost the same idea as mine at number #18, i just made it in my own version :) | | After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F |
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