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| Author | Epic tale of a prison present |
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Arctic is probably living in a harsh condition in prison and without any possibility to visit him or give him bare life utensils I decided to try and give him all this through unorthodox methods.
First, what will be in the package:
1. Pair of long underwear, just like the ones that he wears for long cold 6 months arctic nights.
2. Couple of Playdude magazines, for lonely prison nights
3. Cake with hidden file, saw and rope, if he ever decides to brake free (standard prison break stuff actually). And if he doesn’t want to break out he will at least have a tasty cake (how much could cake be tasty with all this crap inside). | Plan A
Using a catapult I will launch all this stuff to him through his window.
All packed up I come to the prison walls. There is a moat around the walls filled with muddy water. I scout a head trying to find his window. There is long pink underwear with flower design hanging outside one window. That must be his. They are making him wash his own pants, oh, the horror! I must send him this package as fast as I can.
I target the window with catapult and fire.
Damn! Not even close.
Cake made a big splat all over the wall 10 meters below target. Pictures of Playdude scattered all over the place. One picture of topless shrew wearing only boots and a thong and carrying two knifes landed right on my face. Damn, she’s hot! I would go behind a bush for a quick session with my shrew, but this is neither the time nor the place to go beating around the bush.
It seems that prison security came out. In this case – zombies. That’s why there were no zombies in the army of Councilor Feurlis. They were all here. It seems they are interested in my catapult. I better intervene before they destroy it. That thing cost an arm and a leg.
“My good fellow zombies, please don’t disturb me, I’m here on official Imperial business. This wall has to be painted with … arrr… cake by official order of the Empress.” I tried to be as cool as I can.
“Arrrgghhh”, they respond.
“This is very delicate machine.” I pointed to the catapult. ”It’s a new kind of… arrr… automatic wall painter. Very popular on .ru.”
They seemed confused, looked at the catapult and respond: “Brrrraaaaiiinnsss!”
“No, not brains, it’s catapu… arr… I mean automatic wall painter.” And I show them that big splat of the cake on the wall. “You see, that’s what I painted so far.”
“Brrraaaiiinnnsss!”
“Again with brains? It’s not brains, it’s a big spot on the wall.”
Suddenly they turned to me and began to walk towards me and yelling: “Aaaarrrggghhh, brraaiinnss!”
It seems that they are not as dumb as I thought. Or they just want brains. Either way they want a piece of me. Forget about the catapult, it is time for hasty tactical retreat.
Plan A – Fail! | It seems that that prison isn’t without any protection. But from where did all those zombies come from? I didn’t see any doors or bridges. Now that I think about it, they were really wet and covered with water plants. They must have come from the moat. There are probably hidden underwater caves and entrances in the prison. If I could go pass those zombies I could enter the prison and find Arctic that way.
Plan B
Find some brains to lure the zombies out of the prison, sneak in and find Arctic.
Now where to find fresh brains? There is a village near the prison, I’m certain that I’ll find “volunteers” who will be willing to donate their brains for Arctic.
After some “persuasion” of the “volunteers” I have the brains and I place them on the tree close to the moat. That will keep them busy for some time. I hide behind the bush (with my shrew) and wait for zombies to come. And soon enough they come. Staring at the brains they try to reach them, but without ability to jump or climb they just keep on staring and yelling. I just hope they won’t tear down the tree.
I jump to the water and try to find the entrance. And there it is. It actually has a paved underwater road from the outside to the cave, on the floor of the moat. I guess zombies need road, they can’t swim, they walk. I enter in the dry part of the cave and I try to find the prison entrance.
I venture behind the corner and a loud deep voice stop me: “What are you doing here?!”
I look up and there is a big bone dragon standing before me. What the hell is the bone dragon doing here?! I thought that all dragons are with Feurlis.
I quickly calm down and gather my wits: “I’m from the public water supply and sewerage. We had a complaint that prison has a lick.”
This is so crazy that it’s impossible to work. I’m already preparing to run like hell.
“Public water supply?!!!!” He yelled so much that the cave started to shake. This is it, its run or die.
But just as I turn to run dragon spoke again: “Do you know how long ago we called you guys to come down here and fix the pipes? You think that that moat is planed? It’s all because of that god damn licks.”
I couldn’t believe my luck. I can go past the dragon pretending to be a plumber.
“Well you know what they say, better late than never.” Ok, now I’m really pushing my luck.
“Just get inside and fix it!” replayed the dragon.
Well, that went well. Finally I’m inside.
Plan B – so far a success. | Inside of the dungeon is dark and gloomy place, just what you would expect from prison. I’m sure that there can’t be any more distractions.
I was wrong.
Inside is crawling with skeletons. Now that I think about it, it makes sense. Every necromancer has skeletons in reserve. I should know, I’m necromancer too. Stupid skeletons they are everywhere. How will I go pass them? And I need directions. This is a big place, I could roam this hallways forever and not find Arctic. This isn’t going to be as easy as finding Arctic’s colorful granny underpants on the outside wall.
“Pssssst.”
Did I just hear something?
“Pssst. Hey you.”
It seems someone is whispering. Are they calling me?
“Where are you? Show yourself.” I whispered.
Suddenly a ghost appeared right in front of my face.
“Aaaaa” I screamed.
“Wow” he said, “you yell like a girl.”
“Shut up! I don’t yell like a girl. It’s just you surprised me, that’s all.”
“You sounded really girly to me. Are you sure you’re a man.”
“Yes I’m sure! Now what the hell do you want from me?” at this point I was really annoyed with this ghost.
“Well, I want to help you.” He said
“Why would you want to do that? Don’t you belong to Feurlis?”
“Listen girly, do you want my help or not? And I don’t belong to anybody.”
“I’m not a girl, but ok, I will accept your help. Don’t have any other choice.” I accepted his proposal, but he was still very suspicious.
“Ok here is what you can do” he pointed to a woman’s clothes in the corner. “Put on that dress”
“What”, I responded with anger. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not a girl?!”
“Calm down, this is not what you think. You see, we allow hookers to visit prisoners. It’s a reward for being good. If you dress like one, you will be able to freely roam the prison halls. They will think that you passed the inspection at the entrance and nobody will bother you.”
“So I’m suppose to pretend to be a hooker for Arctic?”
“Exactly!”
“This is so wrong… By the way, where did you get this outfit?”
“Well sometimes prisoners get to excited…” he stopped and didn’t want to finish the sentence.
“This is a dress from a dead hooker?!” I yelled. “I’m supposed to put on a dead hooker’s dress?! Who the hell do you think I am? No way in hell that’s going to happen.”
“Listen little missy, Arctic’s life on the line. Do you really want to let him down?”
Damn it, his right. I’m doing this for Arctic. I have to sacrifice my dignity and help him in any way I can.
“Give me that dress. I hope Arctic appreciate what I’m doing for him. And stop calling me girly or missy or queen…”
“I didn’t call you queen… But I will start from now on, muahahaha! Arctic is in cell number 666. We keep the worst of the worst in that cell. It’s on the top floor, on the end of the corridor. Good luck queeny, you’re going to need it, muahaha!” and just like that he disappeared. Crazy ghost. I hope I never see him again. | Plan C
Infiltrate the floor where Arctic is and give him the package.
That crazy ghost was right. Nobody bothers me when I’m dressed like this. And it’s weird how skeletons are watching me. I swear they look overexcited for dead men. I think one tried to whistle to me, but couldn’t do it without lips. He just clacked with his teeth. I still think this is so wrong.
Finally I ‘m here, in front of the cell 666.
“Hey Arctic, are you there?”
“Of course I’m here. Where would I go.” he responded. “Why is the hooker here to see me? I didn’t ask for a hooker. But now that I think about it some professional help would be nice…”
“I’m not a hooker, damn it! I’m here to give you some stuff to help in your hard time.”
“What, no hooker? And I already got so excited. But never mind, what do you have for me?”
“Well there was some cake with tasty fill” I wink to Arctic.
“So where is it?” he asked
“Unfortunately I had a little accident with catapult. So I’m giving you just the fill.”
“You know that it is impossible for me to escape with this crap. The bars of the cell is a 100 times stronger than this stuff. And as soon I step outside of this cell I will be caught. What else do you have?”
“There were few Playdude magazines…”
“Excellent! Give them here.”
“Unfortunately they were destroyed in a catapult accident as well. I managed to save one page, a picture of a naked shrew.”
“I guess that will have to do. Did you broth anything that wasn’t destroyed with catapult?”
“Yes I broth you a new pair of underwear. Unfortunately…”
“What now? Don’t tell me that something happened to them too.” Arctic seemed pretty angry.
“Arrr... they fell into the muddy water after the whole catapult fiasco, sooo… now they are neither dry nor clean…” I try to soften the news with a little smile.”
“So let me see if I get this straight. You infiltrated the prison, wearing hooker’s outfit, just to give me tools I can’t use, one pervy picture and a dirty wet underwear…” he was red with anger. “Do you know how horrific it is to clean my own pants, now I have to clean those too?”
After several minutes of cursing and raging, Arctic calmed down. It seems that that dirty picture of a naked shrew calm him down. At least he will be happy for a while. As for me, I just have to find my way out of here and my mission is complete.
Plan C – total success. | Lol!!
Nice work! :D | | Great work ^^ | Yay!
This is great!
... and now get out of this dress ;) | | Super humour. Much applause :)))))))))) | Woot!!
Nice! | for DrMr:
I can't wait to see the present Lord Arctic will have for you once he gets out of jail... |
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