Forums-->Creative works-->
<<|<|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63
| Author | Jokes !!! |
|---|
| nice one bro | Xmast specials
What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit
Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
Perfect gift for naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve :
A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included"
how do you recognize a scroogy house in the neighborhood, on Christmas eve?
It's the one with a parkmeter on the roof
santa's wisdom:
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue, until all the birds have gone south for the winter
Christmas season is a deeply religious time, that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice | and new year ones!
Remember: you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year)and 28th (Chinese New Year). After that, nobody can help you anymore.
Wife: "Darling, hear this, on the paper: scientist announced for 2017 a device that can turn thoughts into speech"
Husband: "it already exist, dear, it's called alcohol"
New Year’s Eve is the time when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, that is, those tests come back positive.
My brother's New Year's resolution is to move out of my parents house. You'd think after 49 years he'd try another one.
Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do.
Because it’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them.
Men, they just call that a date.
"Out with the old, in with the new" is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on drinking and vomiting.
a reporter is interviewing people in the street about new year celebrations;
1st man: "well, i'm Chinese, and for the new year, traditionally we have dragons, and parades and firecrackers. So we end up cheering an new year to all"
2nd man: "well, i'm American. We have big parties, the ball drop in Times Sqare, we get drunk, we tell a special person we love them, and then throw on their shoes. So great party!
3rd man: "well, 'im Jew. We fast, we can't turn on the light, and confess our sins. So we generally end up with a bunch of guilty, hungry people sitting in the dark". | I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend explained, "She means 666-3629."
the original version of next joke meant to run like this..
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.
Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.
Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.
..But since Trump is now president, we'll have to settle for 3 white men and a mexican.
The other day, i outsmarted my friend. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face and proved him wrong.
Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari" | | Lol guyb great ones. | | haha the last two from 1184 were great | A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
I couldn't understand that, can someone help me? | #1187
hint:
look at the boy's name very closely ;p | for Bheem:
that g is saving his ass :D | | hehe :D | | Nothing to understand on that joke, Bheem | anniversary, did you say?
Mick was attending his Celtic Supporters Club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Glasgow trip because his missus wouldn't let him go, for she wanted to celebrate their wedding anniversary.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.
When Mick's mates started arriving to catch the bus for the trip later that night, who should be there but Mick, sitting up in front of the bus, scarf and Celtic shirt on and sucking on a can of beer.
" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?"
"I didn't have to" was Mick's reply.
" When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise "
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want!'
SO HERE I AM !
A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary.
The friend asked, “What did you do for your 25th?”
He said, “I took my wife to Hawaii.”
The friend then asked, “What are you thinking about for your 50th?”
He said, “Well I was thinking of bringing her back”
"so, how did your diamond anniversary go?"
"seriously, I don't understand women. You are supposed to give them something with diamonds in it, right?"
"well, that's the custom."
"well, she didn't seem to appreciate the brand new pack of playing cards that I offered her!" | haha nice one.
SO HERE I AM ! | april foolishness...
In 1981 the Daily Mail ran a story about an unfortunate Japanese long-distance runner, Kimo Nakajimi, who had entered the London Marathon but, on account of a translation error, thought that he had to run for 26 days, not 26 miles.
The Daily Mail reported that Nakajimi was now somewhere out on the roads of England, still running, determined to finish the race.
Supposedly various people had spotted him, though they were unable to flag him down.
The translation error was attributed to Timothy Bryant, an import director, who said, "I translated the rules and sent them off to him.
But I have only been learning Japanese for two years, and I must have made a mistake.
He seems to be taking this marathon to be something like the very long races they have over there."
In 1992 the Moskovskaya Pravda announced that the winds of capitalism transforming Russia would bring further changes for the residents of Moscow.
Apparently plans had been finalized to build a new Moscow subway system.
Of course, there was nothing wrong with the city's current subway.
But in the spirit of capitalism, the second system would be built to promote "the interests of competition."
An article by John Dvorak in the April 1994 issue of PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network.
The bill was supposedly numbered 040194*, and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof**
The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet.
Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?"
The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194...
I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is."
The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.
* reads as a date
** reads backward :) | | There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. | | Somebody making memes about LWM? | | would be nice! | | http://daily.heroeswm.ru/newscom.php?i=Bash-pictures_Part-14 | OK, not a joke but a nice tongue-twister :
"Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches. Which Swedish switched witch watches which Swiss Swatch watch switch?"
Have fun :o)
The answer would be "the three swedish" | | I went on a diet for two weeks and I lost 14 days ! |
<<|<|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63Back to topics list
|
